OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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