My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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