drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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