did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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