That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
