I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
