She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
