the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
