you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
