The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
