Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
