found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
