and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
