She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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