cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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