We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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