thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
