Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
