you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
