It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
