upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
