I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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