i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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