textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
