I just cut my nipple shaving
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
