life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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