i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
a search helicopter?!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
