Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
