grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you inspire me to be a worse person
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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