You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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