just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
