The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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