I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
