where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
