I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
