new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
