i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
