my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
