Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
