you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
