I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
