Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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