You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
