Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
