Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
