There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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