Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
