a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
