in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
