If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
