All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
